Belief and trust are like a lamp of soft light that burns within us. For some, this light is always on, while for others, the darkness of childhood casts a shadow over it. If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why don’t I feel lovable or worthy?” Have you ever wondered why it’s so hard to feel good about yourself, no matter how much you’ve accomplished? Or why you start to doubt yourself? The answer may lie in the untold stories of the past, in the moments when you didn’t get the love, attention, or protection you deserved.
Yes, in many cases the answer to this question lies in childhood. If you had a childhood where you didn’t receive love, attention, or protection, it can hurt your feelings about yourself.
It is very important to understand and heal those forgotten wounds, which erode self-esteem deep down in the form of childhood traumas.
Let’s try to figure out how childhood traumas affect your self-concept, why these early experiences are so powerful, and how you can reshape yourself.
Self-Confidence or Self-Worth: The Name of a Silent Dignity
Self-confidence and self-worth are not slogans, nor is it a buzzword of egotism. It is that gentle but deep feeling that tells us that we are valuable, with all our flaws, confusions, and silences. It is the satisfaction that gives us the courage to live without the approval of others. People who know their worth do not have to constantly proclaim their goodness. They know that just being them is enough. They do not feel the need to constantly prove it or to seek the love and approval of others. They are confident in their own existence and know that they are good and valuable, even if others are angry with them or dislike them. They accept themselves and do not expect perfection, so they do not criticize themselves too much.
Self-confidence is neither arrogance nor competition. It doesn’t mean you think you’re better than others. It’s just a simple awareness that as human beings we deserve love, respect, and kindness. It’s just that you know that you are valuable just the way you are.
Self-confidence manifests itself in life in this way:
● When you feel tired and decide to rest, without feeling guilty. Recognizing that you need and deserve self-care, and then making it a priority.
● Feeling confident in yourself and speaking up quietly, but confidently.
●Living authentically, when you stand by your truth, even if people are angry, upset, or disapproving.
● When you embrace your feelings and needs instead of hiding them .
● Accepting yourself and knowing that you have value, when you learn to live with your weaknesses instead of hiding them.
● When you accept compliments from others without hesitation, with a smile.
● When you are gentle and compassionate with yourself instead of fighting with yourself when you make a mistake.
● Setting boundaries, when you learn to distance yourself from people who make you feel inferior and treat you badly.
● When you say to yourself: “I don’t have to prove anything, I am valuable just the way I am.” Letting yourself relax because you know you don’t have to prove your worth
How childhood trauma undermines self-worth
The first reflection of self is formed when we do not yet know how to speak. As soon as we open our eyes, the faces that surround us, our parents, grandparents, or those who care for us, their behavior becomes the first mirror of our self. Thus, the way your parents or caregivers treated you became your first model of self-worth. If there is tenderness, acceptance, and comfort on these faces, then this seed is sown in the heart: “I am important, I am wanted.” But if those faces are cold, their attention is distracted, they are indifferent to you, or they act with harshness and uncertainty, then this seed withers before it can germinate and you learn that others are not trustworthy, your needs are not important, and you are not worthy of love and care.
In childhood, children do not understand the logic of their suffering. Young children do not understand that the abuse or neglect they experience is not their fault. Children who have experienced trauma in childhood grow up to believe that perhaps the abuse or neglect was their fault, because they were bad, stubborn, needy, stupid, ugly, or defective. If mom yells, dad ignores, or someone close to them causes shame or punishment, the child does not think: “They are wrong.” He thinks: “I am wrong.”
Verbal abuse in childhood also destroys self-esteem. When you are openly told that there is something wrong with you, it is almost impossible not to absorb these words and accept them as truth. The hurtful words spoken by others in childhood often become the critical voices we speak to ourselves as adults.
That’s why childhood trauma, whether it’s neglect or sarcastic language, creates voices within a person that stay with them into adulthood: You’re useless, so why would you even want to go? No matter what you do, it’s not enough. And these voices become our own voices for many of us.
As children, we expect unconditional love and care from our parents or guardians. We want them to feel our feelings, listen to us, encourage us, take our whims seriously, appreciate our spontaneity, and be interested in our interests. When the family fails to do this, it creates a lot of confusion. People blame themselves. Blaming parents as children can be dangerous because you are dependent on them. So you try harder to please them and get their love and attention.
If parents or our guardians do not meet our expectations, this lack becomes a void, a void that we spend our entire lives trying to fill with the attention, love, or approval of others.
When you grow up with childhood trauma, your self-worth becomes dependent on the treatment of others. Their mistreatment seems to you as proof that you are unlovable, unworthy of respect, and that there is nothing important in you. Thus, self-worth, which should have grown from within, becomes a prison of external attitudes. If someone respects us, we consider ourselves worthy of respect. If someone rejects us, we begin to break down inside.
The truth is, if a child was neglected, abused, or repeatedly humiliated, it was not their failure. It was the failure of adults who had authority but lacked awareness.
Moreover, if those adults never felt important, how could they teach you that you were valuable? If your parents or caregivers didn’t feel good about themselves, they couldn’t teach you to feel good about yourself. On the contrary, they probably made you feel ashamed of yourself and your actions, encouraged perfectionism, and used harsh punishments to keep you in check.
How to increase self-esteem?
Building self-esteem is a process that requires action on your part. You can’t wait until you feel valued to start taking care of yourself or setting boundaries. Instead, you need to do these things first to build self-esteem, even if it’s hard at first or you don’t feel worthy of it.
1. Learn to accept yourself:
You don’t have to be perfect to be valuable. Everyone has flaws, everyone makes mistakes, and we are all valuable just the way we are.
2. Know that self-worth is not something that is earned:
You don’t have to prove to yourself or others that you have value. Self-worth is not a reflection of your achievements or social status. Every human being is worthy of love and respect. And so are you!
3. Prioritize self-care:
Self-care isn’t just important for your health, it’s a way to tell yourself that you matter. Every time you exercise, limit screen time, or relax, you’re sending yourself a powerful message: “I am worthy of attention. I deserve to be healthy and happy.”
4. Express your needs:
It is important to understand that you too have needs and that they are important. Practice recognizing your needs, accepting them without shame, and asking others for help.
5. Set boundaries:
Boundaries are boundaries that tell others how you should be treated, what is acceptable and what is not. They protect you from abusive behavior from others and reflect your self-worth. Start by speaking up on small issues, then gradually establish more important boundaries.
6. Speak lovingly to yourself:
Examine how you speak to yourself, and resolve to treat yourself with the same loving kindness you treat others. You may feel like you deserve to be criticized, but that’s because you’ve become so used to being criticized by others and yourself.
7. Accept praise and appreciation, but don’t base your self-worth on them:
When someone says something nice about you, believe that they are telling the truth. Don’t reject the compliment just because you don’t feel worthy of it. However, be careful not to base your self-worth solely on the opinions of others.
Rebuilding self-worth, especially after childhood trauma, is not easy, but it is possible. When you begin to understand where your difficulties lie, when you are patient with yourself, and when you learn to think and live in new ways, you can build a strong and healthy sense of self.
Rediscovering self-worth is not an instant process, but a journey that requires patience, self-awareness, and gentleness. Childhood wounds may not always be completely healed, but we can heal them by understanding their impact and being kind to ourselves. Remember, your true worth is not determined by someone else’s opinion or past behavior, but rather by the truth that you, just as you are, are whole, worthy of respect, and worthy of love. This awareness, this conviction, can rekindle the light within you that was once dimmed.